We live in the most amazing age when, in so many ways, life has become easy. Gone are the days of going to the library and searching for the books we need to give us the information we seek. We no longer have to wait in long lines to do our banking, pay our bills, buy a movie ticket, or pay for clothes we purchase. Now we can quickly do all these things and acquire anything we want from groceries to insurance and even find a relationship or a job just by pressing a few keys on a computer. Things have become so easy and immediate that we don’t even have to physically see or speak to anyone. Instead we can email, text, or instant-message them. But life does not exist on the Internet alone. A great deal of life happens offline, where you must look at and listen to people face to face. Unfortunately, many of us are out of practice when it comes to face-to-face communication because of the technology today. If you don’t know what others are really saying, you probably will misinterpret or even ignore the true message they are trying to communicate. For instance, sometimes a person may say something that sounds harmless or benign, such as, “That’s really great.” But if the person makes this seemingly innocuous statement with an attacking burst of loudness on the word “great,” he may mean something entirely different than you thought. His tone of voice could indicate sarcasm and mean the exact opposite. If he exhibits a fistlike hand gesture, a stiff posture with a half-smile, and clenched jaw, you can bet he is angry. Now the comment “That’s really great” takes on a different meaning.
But if you don’t pay close attention to his vocal tone or body and facial language, you would perceive that all is well and nothing is wrong, when in fact there is something wrong and the speaker is obviously upset. If you don’t pay attention to communication patterns and body language, you will misread the message that people are trying to convey and place yourself at a huge disadvantage in your professional, interpersonal, and intimate relationships. Reading people appropriately allows you to direct the communication toward your advantage. It can make the difference between getting a job, closing a business deal, maintaining a friendship, and saving a marriage. How to Recognize Conflicts and Cheating in a Relationship The body doesn’t lie and neither do voice or speech patterns. If you know how to read others, you truly have an added advantage over others. All relationships ebb and flow—if you can read what is really going on, you can help thwart potential problems. For instance, you may hear your wife swallow her words at the end of a sentence so that they are inaudible as she tells you that everything is fine. But you will know that everything is not fine when you hear her monotone and observe her deadpan facial expression and leaning away from you as she speaks these words. Picking up on cues like these gives you the opportunity to open a dialogue about what is bothering her—perhaps you’re spending too much time with your golfing buddies and not enough with her. Reading body language and listening to vocal cues can help you figure out whether your spouse or lover is being faithful or whether the hottie you’ve been chatting up really likes you or is just being polite. Wouldn’t it be great to know that there are certain body language “tells”—signals that involve the feet, hands, the way people lean or don’t lean toward you—that let you know whether to keep talking or start walking? Never Get Conned Again Whether it is buying a car, venturing into a business deal, or dating someone who hasn’t told you that he is married and has a house full of kids, one of the worst feelings is finding out that you have been conned, ripped off, or taken advantage of. It’s human nature to want to trust people. When they breach that trust it can be emotionally and financially devastating. Think back to a time when a particular person cheated you. In retrospect, were there any signals that may have told you something was amiss? Maybe he talked too much and too fast or went off on tangents. Maybe he stared at you without breaking eye contact. Maybe he was over the top in his compliments or too pushy and intimidating. Maybe his heel was off the ground and his toes were pointed toward the exit? Perhaps you noticed some of these signs but thought nothing of them at the time. We have heard tragic stories about women who got involved with men married to several women simultaneously who were leading multiple lives. After these men are apprehended, the stories are similar: Victims report the red flags raised by the men’s body language, facial expressions, what they said, and how they said it—but they either deliberately or subconsciously ignored these warnings. In the first chapter, I’ll talk about the science behind listening to your instincts and how it can help you avoid situations like these. Heading Off Work Disasters How many people are shocked when they are fired or let go and never saw it coming? But looking back they see that there were body language signs that the boss or his assistant transmitted that indicated their time at the company was coming to an end. Maybe the assistant suddenly began to look down when talking to them or the boss started speaking in harsh staccato tones and furrowing his brow when addressing them. Perhaps if they had read these signals they would have been less surprised and better prepared for their inevitable exit. Similarly, you could avoid getting your hopes up after a job interview and waiting for that never-to-come phone call if you had noticed that the interviewer barely looked at you, leaned back, took calls while you were there, and gave you a limp handshake and tight-lipped half-smile as she said, “Nice to meet you. We’ll be in touch.” Having the Body Language Advantage is essential in our competitive environment where jobs are scarce and relationships are often fragile and fleeting. Knowing how to read others can make the essential difference in the quality of your life. Knowing the Truth about the World around You You can also gain a more accurate picture of what is going on in the news, from celebrities to politicians to sports figures, by having the Body Language Advantage. You will now be able to see whether these newsmakers are lying or telling the truth. You will be able to determine how they really feel about the people with whom they share relationships. You will be able to see how certain political figures feel about one another and whether they mean what they say while they campaign for a particular office or are just reciting meaningless rhetoric. Are they merely reading lines written for them or speaking from their heart?
You will be able to quickly analyze whether someone involved in a scandal is telling the truth or spinning a tale. You may even be able to tell which sports team may win a game based on how well the players interact or don’t interact with one another. On another level, knowing how to read people can save your life and the lives of those you love. In an age when people commit desperate criminal acts and terrorism is on everyone’s mind, it is essential to pay close attention to how people around you stand, walk, and talk. Doing so can provide you with clues as to whether you are in danger and allow you to make the decision to take appropriate action to ensure your safety and well-being. This book can help you do just that. I have lectured to law enforcement officials across the country and in Canada on the body language of potential criminals, how to detect deception, and what to look for when a potential criminal may be ready to attack. Perhaps my biggest achievement and honor was being invited to speak at the FBI Academy in Quantico. Additionally, I have been called upon by detectives and private investigators to examine surveillance tapes and advise them whether the person may have had something to do with a particular crime. Most of my work in applying my knowledge of body language has been with attorneys in criminal and civil cases. I have worked on cases in a variety of ways, including testifying as an expert witness in the area of behavioral analysis and vocal forensics in state and federal cases. I am able to assist attorneys by doing statement analyses of both the plaintiff and the defendant’s depositions. My careful eye is often able to pick up information that may aid attorneys in their questioning as well as in the direction of their case. From analyzing surveillance tape of a drug bust, for example, I was able to help determine the involvement of one of the key defendants. In criminal cases involving child molestation and sexual harassment, I was able to analyze the veracity of key witnesses and plaintiffs and show where on their deposition tape they may have possibly shown signs of deception or behaviors. I am also very much attuned to the body language of terrorists, having studied countless videos of terrorists. I coauthored a book on the topic with former FBI special agent D. Vincent Sullivan, former manager of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program and a member of the FBI-Joint Terrorist Task Force. Together we put together an analysis for the public of what to look for when we may hear or see suspicious behavior. Although The Body Language Advantage does not delve into the specifics of analyzing the body language of terrorists and criminal behavior, it does provide you with the basics of how to trust your guts when you suspect something does not seem right and what signals to look for in those who may deceive you so that you can avoid potential danger.
HOW WELL DO YOU READ OTHERS? Dr. Lillian Glass’s Body Language Quiz
My quiz will provide you with the insight you need to determine how well you observe body language, facial patterns, and voice intonations. Answer each of the following twelve questions with the first thing that pops into your mind and determine your score at the end.
1. Every time I walk out of the house, I am completely aware of the people who are around me. TRUE / FALSE
2. The first thing I notice about a person is his or her face. TRUE / FALSE
3. I always notice what a person is wearing. TRUE / FALSE
4. If I don’t like someone, I stop to analyze why that person rubs me the wrong way. TRUE / FALSE
5. I remember almost everything people say to me. TRUE / FALSE
6. I can usually tell whether someone is lying to me or stretching the truth. TRUE / FALSE
7. I usually remember how people stand, walk, or comport themselves in case I have to describe them to someone. TRUE / FALSE
8. If I had to describe the way someone spoke, I could easily recall it and describe it to others. TRUE / FALSE
9. When I am on vacation, I tend to notice the behaviors and actions of strangers, to which others seem oblivious. TRUE / FALSE
10. I remember how to get somewhere even though I may have been there only once or a few times. TRUE / FALSE
1 1. I can always tell what kind of mood someone is in. TRUE / FALSE
12. I listen carefully to people’s tone, so I am aware of how they are feeling when they speak to me. TRUE / FALSE
Give yourself a point each time you answered “true” to a question and then add up your points.
If you answered “true” to all twelve questions, it means that you are very much tuned in to other people and your surroundings. You appear to be the kind of person who is on target in your assessment of others and someone who doesn’t make many errors when you size someone up. You tend to be a lot more sensitive than others as you look more deeply at people and see who they really are instead of accepting them at face value. However, even though you received a perfect score, there is no doubt that you can fine-tune your already sensitive people-reading skills.
If you answered “true” to nine to eleven questions, it means that you have pretty good intuition most of the time. But there are times where you must feel like kicking yourself for not trusting your gut instincts. The Body Language Advantage can help you to become more decisive when it comes to assessing others.
If you scored six to eight, you probably don’t like confrontation or altering the status quo. You tend to ignore the good and the bad in people, and you miss cues that others give off, which leaves you puzzled by what just.
HOW WELL DO YOU READ OTHERS?
happened. For instance, you may not realize that the person you have been chatting up isn’t interested in you. You often wonder what you are doing wrong or believe that it must be Murphy’s Law and just expect things to go wrong.
If you received a score of five or lower, you desperately need help and the information in this book! It appears that you walk around with blinders on. You may have a tendency to be so consumed with yourself and your own world that you lose sight of others. This lack of awareness of others makes you a prime candidate for getting ripped off, scammed by others, or hurt in relationships or business dealings. As you digest the information in this book, you may feel as though a veil has been lifted from your eyes as you begin to see and hear what others are really communicating a lot more clearly.
Now that you know how well you read people, let’s get started by developing our awareness skills as we learn what to look for in people’s body and facial language and their voice and speech patterns.
Reading others depends on being in tune with your emotions, which are stimulated by what we hear in people’s voices, speaking patterns, and the content of what they say as well as by what we see in their posture, body stance, movement, and facial expressions.
But if you don’t pay close attention to his vocal tone or body and facial language, you would perceive that all is well and nothing is wrong, when in fact there is something wrong and the speaker is obviously upset. If you don’t pay attention to communication patterns and body language, you will misread the message that people are trying to convey and place yourself at a huge disadvantage in your professional, interpersonal, and intimate relationships. Reading people appropriately allows you to direct the communication toward your advantage. It can make the difference between getting a job, closing a business deal, maintaining a friendship, and saving a marriage. How to Recognize Conflicts and Cheating in a Relationship The body doesn’t lie and neither do voice or speech patterns. If you know how to read others, you truly have an added advantage over others. All relationships ebb and flow—if you can read what is really going on, you can help thwart potential problems. For instance, you may hear your wife swallow her words at the end of a sentence so that they are inaudible as she tells you that everything is fine. But you will know that everything is not fine when you hear her monotone and observe her deadpan facial expression and leaning away from you as she speaks these words. Picking up on cues like these gives you the opportunity to open a dialogue about what is bothering her—perhaps you’re spending too much time with your golfing buddies and not enough with her. Reading body language and listening to vocal cues can help you figure out whether your spouse or lover is being faithful or whether the hottie you’ve been chatting up really likes you or is just being polite. Wouldn’t it be great to know that there are certain body language “tells”—signals that involve the feet, hands, the way people lean or don’t lean toward you—that let you know whether to keep talking or start walking? Never Get Conned Again Whether it is buying a car, venturing into a business deal, or dating someone who hasn’t told you that he is married and has a house full of kids, one of the worst feelings is finding out that you have been conned, ripped off, or taken advantage of. It’s human nature to want to trust people. When they breach that trust it can be emotionally and financially devastating. Think back to a time when a particular person cheated you. In retrospect, were there any signals that may have told you something was amiss? Maybe he talked too much and too fast or went off on tangents. Maybe he stared at you without breaking eye contact. Maybe he was over the top in his compliments or too pushy and intimidating. Maybe his heel was off the ground and his toes were pointed toward the exit? Perhaps you noticed some of these signs but thought nothing of them at the time. We have heard tragic stories about women who got involved with men married to several women simultaneously who were leading multiple lives. After these men are apprehended, the stories are similar: Victims report the red flags raised by the men’s body language, facial expressions, what they said, and how they said it—but they either deliberately or subconsciously ignored these warnings. In the first chapter, I’ll talk about the science behind listening to your instincts and how it can help you avoid situations like these. Heading Off Work Disasters How many people are shocked when they are fired or let go and never saw it coming? But looking back they see that there were body language signs that the boss or his assistant transmitted that indicated their time at the company was coming to an end. Maybe the assistant suddenly began to look down when talking to them or the boss started speaking in harsh staccato tones and furrowing his brow when addressing them. Perhaps if they had read these signals they would have been less surprised and better prepared for their inevitable exit. Similarly, you could avoid getting your hopes up after a job interview and waiting for that never-to-come phone call if you had noticed that the interviewer barely looked at you, leaned back, took calls while you were there, and gave you a limp handshake and tight-lipped half-smile as she said, “Nice to meet you. We’ll be in touch.” Having the Body Language Advantage is essential in our competitive environment where jobs are scarce and relationships are often fragile and fleeting. Knowing how to read others can make the essential difference in the quality of your life. Knowing the Truth about the World around You You can also gain a more accurate picture of what is going on in the news, from celebrities to politicians to sports figures, by having the Body Language Advantage. You will now be able to see whether these newsmakers are lying or telling the truth. You will be able to determine how they really feel about the people with whom they share relationships. You will be able to see how certain political figures feel about one another and whether they mean what they say while they campaign for a particular office or are just reciting meaningless rhetoric. Are they merely reading lines written for them or speaking from their heart?
You will be able to quickly analyze whether someone involved in a scandal is telling the truth or spinning a tale. You may even be able to tell which sports team may win a game based on how well the players interact or don’t interact with one another. On another level, knowing how to read people can save your life and the lives of those you love. In an age when people commit desperate criminal acts and terrorism is on everyone’s mind, it is essential to pay close attention to how people around you stand, walk, and talk. Doing so can provide you with clues as to whether you are in danger and allow you to make the decision to take appropriate action to ensure your safety and well-being. This book can help you do just that. I have lectured to law enforcement officials across the country and in Canada on the body language of potential criminals, how to detect deception, and what to look for when a potential criminal may be ready to attack. Perhaps my biggest achievement and honor was being invited to speak at the FBI Academy in Quantico. Additionally, I have been called upon by detectives and private investigators to examine surveillance tapes and advise them whether the person may have had something to do with a particular crime. Most of my work in applying my knowledge of body language has been with attorneys in criminal and civil cases. I have worked on cases in a variety of ways, including testifying as an expert witness in the area of behavioral analysis and vocal forensics in state and federal cases. I am able to assist attorneys by doing statement analyses of both the plaintiff and the defendant’s depositions. My careful eye is often able to pick up information that may aid attorneys in their questioning as well as in the direction of their case. From analyzing surveillance tape of a drug bust, for example, I was able to help determine the involvement of one of the key defendants. In criminal cases involving child molestation and sexual harassment, I was able to analyze the veracity of key witnesses and plaintiffs and show where on their deposition tape they may have possibly shown signs of deception or behaviors. I am also very much attuned to the body language of terrorists, having studied countless videos of terrorists. I coauthored a book on the topic with former FBI special agent D. Vincent Sullivan, former manager of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program and a member of the FBI-Joint Terrorist Task Force. Together we put together an analysis for the public of what to look for when we may hear or see suspicious behavior. Although The Body Language Advantage does not delve into the specifics of analyzing the body language of terrorists and criminal behavior, it does provide you with the basics of how to trust your guts when you suspect something does not seem right and what signals to look for in those who may deceive you so that you can avoid potential danger.
HOW WELL DO YOU READ OTHERS? Dr. Lillian Glass’s Body Language Quiz
My quiz will provide you with the insight you need to determine how well you observe body language, facial patterns, and voice intonations. Answer each of the following twelve questions with the first thing that pops into your mind and determine your score at the end.
1. Every time I walk out of the house, I am completely aware of the people who are around me. TRUE / FALSE
2. The first thing I notice about a person is his or her face. TRUE / FALSE
3. I always notice what a person is wearing. TRUE / FALSE
4. If I don’t like someone, I stop to analyze why that person rubs me the wrong way. TRUE / FALSE
5. I remember almost everything people say to me. TRUE / FALSE
6. I can usually tell whether someone is lying to me or stretching the truth. TRUE / FALSE
7. I usually remember how people stand, walk, or comport themselves in case I have to describe them to someone. TRUE / FALSE
8. If I had to describe the way someone spoke, I could easily recall it and describe it to others. TRUE / FALSE
9. When I am on vacation, I tend to notice the behaviors and actions of strangers, to which others seem oblivious. TRUE / FALSE
10. I remember how to get somewhere even though I may have been there only once or a few times. TRUE / FALSE
1 1. I can always tell what kind of mood someone is in. TRUE / FALSE
12. I listen carefully to people’s tone, so I am aware of how they are feeling when they speak to me. TRUE / FALSE
Give yourself a point each time you answered “true” to a question and then add up your points.
If you answered “true” to all twelve questions, it means that you are very much tuned in to other people and your surroundings. You appear to be the kind of person who is on target in your assessment of others and someone who doesn’t make many errors when you size someone up. You tend to be a lot more sensitive than others as you look more deeply at people and see who they really are instead of accepting them at face value. However, even though you received a perfect score, there is no doubt that you can fine-tune your already sensitive people-reading skills.
If you answered “true” to nine to eleven questions, it means that you have pretty good intuition most of the time. But there are times where you must feel like kicking yourself for not trusting your gut instincts. The Body Language Advantage can help you to become more decisive when it comes to assessing others.
If you scored six to eight, you probably don’t like confrontation or altering the status quo. You tend to ignore the good and the bad in people, and you miss cues that others give off, which leaves you puzzled by what just.
HOW WELL DO YOU READ OTHERS?
happened. For instance, you may not realize that the person you have been chatting up isn’t interested in you. You often wonder what you are doing wrong or believe that it must be Murphy’s Law and just expect things to go wrong.
If you received a score of five or lower, you desperately need help and the information in this book! It appears that you walk around with blinders on. You may have a tendency to be so consumed with yourself and your own world that you lose sight of others. This lack of awareness of others makes you a prime candidate for getting ripped off, scammed by others, or hurt in relationships or business dealings. As you digest the information in this book, you may feel as though a veil has been lifted from your eyes as you begin to see and hear what others are really communicating a lot more clearly.
Now that you know how well you read people, let’s get started by developing our awareness skills as we learn what to look for in people’s body and facial language and their voice and speech patterns.
Reading others depends on being in tune with your emotions, which are stimulated by what we hear in people’s voices, speaking patterns, and the content of what they say as well as by what we see in their posture, body stance, movement, and facial expressions.
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