Listening
“Listening is a positive act: you have to put yourself out to do it.”David Hockney
If you thought that listening was a passive act, you’re mistaken. Listening requires energy, care, and attention. Listening is the greatest gift you can give to someone. When you listen to other people, you make them feel valued. You’re showing that you are interested in what they have to say. And
when people feel that you’re interested in them and value them as individuals, they become your biggest supporters.
When I was a little girl, my mother told me that God gave me two eyes, two ears, and one mouth. By observing more and speaking less, I’d gain valuable information that would give me the edge over others.
“ People who speak more than they listen miss valuable information. ”
What is Active Listening?
When listening actively, you engage your eyes, ears, and heart. You focus on the other person, giving them your undivided attention. You listen to understand, and leave judgements outside the door.
Listening requires more than just hearing the words being spoken. When you’re deeply engaged and really listening to someone you not only pay attention to the words themselves, but also observe the non-verbal behaviours as well. These include (but are not limited to) the following.
Facial Expressions
“He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.”–P.G. Wodehouse
Look to a person’s face if you want to know their mood, thoughts, and intentions.
Forehead
- Smooth indicates calmness.
- Wrinkled displays worry, concern, annoyance, or anger.
Eyes
- Comfortable, easy eye contact shows a relaxed attitude.
- Staring or avoiding eye contact suggests a negative state of mind.
Mouth
- Tightly drawn or pursed lips are a sign of a negative mindset.
- Chewing or sucking on lips implies unease or discomfort.
- Lips that are lifted in a smile indicate a positive outlook.
- Flushed and moist skin reveals stress and tension.
- Cool, dry skin indicates a relaxed state.
- Short, sharp, jerky gestures imply tension and aggression.
- Fluid, open, slow gestures suggest receptiveness and affability.
- Fiddling fingers denote fretfulness.
- Fingers held in the steeple position at waist level in front of the body indicate power, influence, and authority.
- Clenched fists indicate anger or frustration.
- Crossed arms indicate detachment.
- Jiggling feet and tapping toes show impatience.
- A balanced body reflects a controlled mindset.
- Clenched fists, a laser stare, and tightly drawn lips in combination indicate a threatening attitude.
- A trembling lip, bowed head, and moist eyes are signs of sadness.
- Finger picking, lip chewing, and neck rubbing reveal discomfort.
- A strangled sound, stuck in a person’s throat, is a sign that the speaker is holding back, demonstrating lack of clarity, freedom, and commitment.
- High-pitched, tight voices come across as childlike, uncertain, and insecure.
- A voice that resonates from the chest implies authority.
- Voices that are flat, muffled, and lacking in resonance indicate that the speaker is avoiding engaging in open communication.
- Rushed sentences and garbled words indicate anxiety.
- A loud voice demonstrates dominance and control.
- A soft voice can indicate insecurity and a lack of engagement.
- Quick, short, shallow breaths denote angst, anxiety, and anger. The sound produced is either fearful, weak, lacking in support when placed in the upper throat, or harsh, angry, and strangled when produced lower down the vocal channel.
- Breathing from the diaphragm produces a rich, round sound. Long, deep breaths that rise from the bowels of your belly are strong and solid. Your voice resonates, eliciting attention and respect.
- Fiddling fingers denote fretfulness.
- Fingers held in the steeple position at waist level in front of the body indicate power, influence, and authority.
- Clenched fists indicate anger or frustration.
- Crossed arms indicate detachment.
- Jiggling feet and tapping toes show impatience.
- A balanced body reflects a controlled mindset.
- Clenched fists, a laser stare, and tightly drawn lips in combination indicate a threatening attitude.
- A trembling lip, bowed head, and moist eyes are signs of sadness.
- Finger picking, lip chewing, and neck rubbing reveal discomfort.
- A strangled sound, stuck in a person’s throat, is a sign that the speaker is holding back, demonstrating lack of clarity, freedom, and commitment.
- High-pitched, tight voices come across as childlike, uncertain, and insecure.
- A voice that resonates from the chest implies authority.
- Voices that are flat, muffled, and lacking in resonance indicate that the speaker is avoiding engaging in open communication.
- Rushed sentences and garbled words indicate anxiety.
- A loud voice demonstrates dominance and control.
- A soft voice can indicate insecurity and a lack of engagement.
- Quick, short, shallow breaths denote angst, anxiety, and anger. The sound produced is either fearful, weak, lacking in support when placed in the upper throat, or harsh, angry, and strangled when produced lower down the vocal channel.
- Breathing from the diaphragm produces a rich, round sound. Long, deep breaths that rise from the bowels of your belly are strong and solid. Your voice resonates, eliciting attention and respect.
- Breathe from the diaphragm to produce a rich, round sound.Sourced from Shutterstock (Wiley) 119606584 (Wiley Credit – Alila Medical Media/Shutterstock)
Word Choice
People perceive and respond to the world around them in different ways.Some people are visual, peppering their communication with words and phrases, like: “See. Look. Point of view. The way I see this is… Can you see this from my perspective? I envision this project… I’m a big picture person. The outlook for next quarter is good.”Others experience the world through sound. People with a preference for the auditory use phrases such as: “How does that sound to you? That’s music to my ears. I hear you. We’re singing from the same song sheet. We’re in tune with each other.”Those who are more attuned to touch are said to be kinaesthetic. They use language like: “How do you feel about that? Let’s touch base. Let’s strike a balance before this becomes even more uncomfortable. The thought turns my blood cold.”Speakers may use a combination of senses when speaking. Your job, as listener, is to pick up on the speaker’s language and reflect it back in your response. Understanding the speaker’s point of view enables you to respond to what you hear in a way the speaker can relate to. Even if your preferences are different, if you want to establish rapport and demonstrate good listening skills, adapt your language when necessary to match the other person’s. (In Chapter 3, you will learn more about establishing rapport.)Posture
When people aren’t physically engaged there’s little chance of listening taking place. - Standing, sitting, or lying down, how you position your body impacts on your readiness, ability, and willingness to listen.
- Slouched, slumped bodies indicate a lack of engagement and a lack of interest.
- Lifting your torso, allowing your head to sit upright on your neck while letting your shoulders lie back and down, and looking at the person speaking, with a calm expression on your face, sends out signs that you’re interested and prepared to listen.
Skin colour and temperature
Having noted the behaviours, and determined their meaning, you’re prepared to choose your response.
Gestures
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said. The art of reading between the lines is a life long quest of the wise.”–Shannon L. Alder
Whether gestures are conscious or not, they reveal vital signs for understanding the speaker’s attitude and intentions. For example:
Vocal Patterns
Placement, pace, and volume are vocal qualities that reveal a person’s state of mind.
Breathing Patterns
Where you place your breathing impacts on how you communicate and are perceived.
Vocal Patterns
Placement, pace, and volume are vocal qualities that reveal a person’s state of mind.
Breathing Patterns
Where you place your breathing impacts on how you communicate and are perceived.
Listen For What’s NOT Being Said
While you may find this suggestion counterintuitive, play with the idea: Listen for what’s not being said. For example, someone tells you that their life is super fantastic. But something in their delivery tells a different story. Perhaps their eyes are dull or watery, maybe their lower lip is trembling. You might notice that their voice is flat and lifeless, or that their hands are hanging limp and their head is hanging down. Non-verbal signs reveal more about a person’s internal state than the words they speak.
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