Persuasion

“Not brute force but only persuasion and faith are the kings of this world.”

Thomas Carlyle

Sandra wants Paul to do something for her. How can she convince him to comply?

1. Beat him with a bamboo branch.
2. Threaten him with a meal of crushed glass.
3. Establish rapport.

While beatings and threats may relieve your stress levels and make you feel all macho, and while these behaviours may work as persuasive techniques in the short run, they do little to promote trusting relationships. Openness, honesty, and integrity lie at the heart of persuading.

Before going any further, remember that this book is about non-verbal behaviour and the role it plays in various scenarios, including the process of persuasion. There are obviously many principles and techniques available out there about influencing and persuading in general, but this chapter specifically addresses the role of rapport, body language, and a bit about the voice. Just so we’re clear.

Rapport is Your Path to Persuasion

What is rapport? Why is rapport important? How do you create rapport? What does rapport have to do with non-verbal behaviour? These are questions clients frequently ask.

Simply stated, rapport is a state of understanding feelings and communicating well. When you are in rapport with other people you accept and connect with them, treating one another with respect. When you’re in a state of rapport you have a shared mental connection or bond. You “get” one another.

“I think there’s a natural chemistry between us as friends; and there’s really no separation between the rapport that we feel when we’re in conversation and when we’re playing music, it’s one in the same.”

–Benny Green

So why is rapport important? Because it’s the gateway to success. When you want to persuade others, start by building a trusting, ethical, respectful relationship. That’s rapport.

You create rapport by demonstrating interest in other people. You gain insight into their mental state by noting the following.

Facial Expressions

• Eyes. The eyes are the mirror of the soul. If another person avoids making eye contact with you, or tries to stare you down, give them the space to act out their negative behaviour before responding. You can say “I notice that…” or “Help me understand…” in order to get them to see things from your point of view. If their eyes are dull and lifeless, match their behaviour for a few minutes until they feel comfortable with you. Then you can change the mood by looking at them as you engage in conversation. If you’ve built a trusting relationship, the other person will return your gaze.
• Mouth. Pursed lips indicate a tight point of view as well as an unwillingness to communicate. A ready smile shows interest and welcomes you into the person’s space. If someone seems disinclined to engage with you, smile and be patient. As long as you treat people with respect, they will eventually come around.
• Face colour. While you may find it difficult to mirror another person’s blush, knowing how you feel when you go red helps you understand what the other person is experiencing. Demonstrating empathy is a pathway to persuasion.

Gestures

Observe the types of gestures and movements other people use if you want to understand their mindset. For example:

• Finger pointing at another person is a sign of aggression.
• A backward flick of the hand is a dismissive action.
• A jiggling foot indicates impatience.
• Rubbing the neck or throat is a signal that you need relief.
• Twined legs and clasped hands are signs of discomfort.

When seeking to persuade someone who’s demonstrating negative behaviours, patience is required. You don’t want to reflect back what you see, as doing so really lowers the tone of the interaction and reduces the chances of reaching an agreeable outcome.

Rhythm of Movement and Energy Levels

• If the other person’s body is still and his gestures are few, you’ll struggle to establish rapport if you’re bouncing about in a Tigger-like fashion.
• Conversely, if the other person is full of energy and you’re more contained in your actions, you’ll find establishing rapport easier when you adapt your actions to match theirs.

• Vocal Patterns

  People’s voices reflect their past and their present, their hopes and their fears. By identifying the sound, pitch, pace, tone, and volume of another person’s voice you can tell whether they’re feeling positive or negative. Knowing that guides you in choosing the best way to approach them.
  • A resonant voice, like a church bell or a Tibetan monk’s chime, is full, rich, and easy on the ear. People are drawn to resonant voices. This voice conveys authority and indicates power. Aim to match this sound when persuading them.
  • A voice that is shoved in the nose, stuck in the throat, or buried in the depths of one’s body indicates that the speaker is holding back something about himself. Ask them to tell you more about their thoughts and points of view to elicit useful information when the time comes to persuade them to see things another way.
  • A voice that comes from high in the head is expressing excitement, enthusiasm, and energy. Adopt these tones to show that you’re on the same wavelength.
  • Slack muscles around the mouth and tight muscles around the jaw prevent clear articulation. Avoid these negative behaviours.

  • “ People have deep and painful reasons for not wanting their voices to be heard. Respect that and encourage them to speak. ”

    Breathing Patterns

    • Fast, slow, deep, or shallow, aim to match the other person’s breathing rate and placement. This technique gives you an insight into what the other person is experiencing. A deep sigh is a sign of release. Quick, shallow breathing indicates anxiety.
    • Avoid staying in a strenuous breathing pattern for too long. If you prolong taking short, shallow breaths too, you will start to feel anxious. Not a good feeling when you want to be persuasive.

    Word Choice

    The language people use and the way they deliver their message tells you about their point of view. When you know their mood and mindset, you’re able to adapt your behaviour to communicate best with them.

    • People who pepper their conversation with derogatory words and negative critiques tend to have low self-esteem and a pessimistic outlook. They struggle to establish and maintain eye contact. Their gestures are closed and include pointing fingers, clenched fists, tight lips, and a 
    • furrowed brow. They find establishing trusting relationships difficult. Other people avoid spending time with them because being in their company feels burdensome.
    • People who include positive words and phrases when they speak are likely to have high self-esteem and view the world optimistically. They demonstrate interest in others. Their gestures are open and welcoming. They make eye contact, nod in agreement, and smile with understanding. Others are drawn to their company because of the positive energy they exude. Being in their company feels good.
    • When you’re looking to persuade someone to your point of view and their behaviour is positive, reflect back what you observe. When their behaviour is negative, listen, reflect, and address what you have noticed, using supportive language and behaviour, including:
      • nodding in acceptance and acknowledgement
      • leaning towards the other person
      • establishing and maintaining comfortable eye contact
      • smiling as appropriate
      • containing your movements and gestures
      • • • using phrases such as “I’ve noticed that…” “From what I’ve observed, you appear to be…” “What else can we do to…?”
        • Demonstrating warmth, interest, and care goes a long way in getting others to come around to your way of thinking.

        Posture

        • A body that is limp and lifeless displays disinterest.
        • A body that is upright and alert demonstrates engagement.

        Reflect back the positive actions you notice. Acknowledge the feelings being displayed in the negative behaviour, by using supportive language and an even tone of voice.

        When you establish rapport through mirroring and matching behaviours, your chances of persuading other people to see your point of view are increased.

      • THE TALE OF THE TWO TRAINERS AND ME

        One evening, after a long day at the office, I attended a workshop addressing rapport building. I was tired, the room was hot, and my energy levels were low. The trainer, whose name I can't recall, came bounding into the room like a basket of puppies. Every movement, every gesture was a tsunami of energy. I felt overwhelmed and disrespected. I recall no learning from the session.
        Not long afterwards, I attended another workshop. This one was early in the morning. The journey to the venue was arduous. As in the previous workshop, I was tired, the room was hot, and my energy levels were low.
        The difference between the two trainers was measurable. Based on clear observation, the second trainer matched my behaviour, including my energy levels. She sat down next to me, spoke quietly, and leaned towards me as we engaged. Her gestures were few and her movements were calm. Soon I felt comfortable in her company and she was able to persuade me to participate in the programme in ways I wouldn't have if she hadn't first gained my trust.

      • “ Persuading others to your point of view requires a trusting relationship, which can be created through establishing rapport. ”

        You can establish rapport by mirroring and matching the behaviours you observe in a respectful way. By demonstrating similar actions, you’re showing that you have comparable ways of addressing the world. You understand one another and are, as the Italians would say, simpatico, with a special bond between you.
        One of my colleagues who loves to dance describes being in rapport as dancing with a partner whose body fits hers. They dance on the same wavelength, with firmness and flexibility. They move in sync and are comfortable and in tune with one another. There’s a shared sense of peace and compatibility. She follows her partner because she trusts him.
        She then goes on to say:

        “Being out of rapport is like dancing with someone who is either rigid or flaccid. Neither is good. They either put no muscle into their movements or push and shove you around the dance floor with no sense of rhythm or harmony. I don’t feel compatible with them and don’t trust them to guide me… dancing with them is no fun.”

        People who get on well move in unison – leaning forwards, leaning backwards, making similar gestures at the same speed and rhythm. Applying these principles when you want to persuade others to your point of view is a vital part of the process.

        “  With rapport, all things are possible. Without rapport, life is an arduous journey. ”

        Four Principles For Building Rapport

        1. Mirroring

        When you mirror someone, you become the mirror image of them. For example, if you were standing in front of someone who raised her right hand with the palm facing towards you, you would raise your left hand with the palm facing towards her, creating a mirror image. Mirroring is not mimicking and should be subtle and respectful to avoid causing offence or embarrassment
        

      • 2. Matching

        Imagine standing in front of someone who raises her right hand. Rather than raising your left hand, as you would if you were mirroring, raise your right hand too. Matching is different from mirroring in that it is less obvious and more outside your conscious awareness. When you’re matching someone, allow a bit of time to pass between when the other person gestured and when you respond. Otherwise, you could come across as mocking and disrespectful, not good attitudes to display when you’re trying to persuade someone to follow your lead.
      • Mirroring and matching are ways of tuning into someone’s thought processes and how they are experiencing the world. When you mirror and match you are listening with your whole body. When you are in rapport with someone this behaviour happens naturally, making you both more capable and more susceptible when persuading and being persuaded.
        “ Mirroring and matching others’ actions doesn’t mean repeating them exactly, movement for movement. Rather, you reflect the sense of what they’re communicating. ”