BECOMING THE WORST PERSON YOU CAN BE!

Wouldn’t it be great to see the dead-end your “promising job” was going to lead to before you devoted some thirty-five fucking years of your life to that pointless tripe?

And just imagine if you could see the galactic loser your sweet bundle of joy would turn out to be—before you spent a couple hundred thousand dollars and the best years of your life raising his ridiculously disappointing ass?

Well, the same is true when you’re trying to pull off one of the biggest, most ambitious cons in the history of the art form. At the end of the day, a great con is not just about stealing millions of dollars via some underground computer hack (any egghead with no imagination can do that). No, this con was less about the size of the haul—and more about the scope of the crime. I had made enough loot. This was going to be the kind of swindle that would be talked about for years in the annals of con-dom (not the Trojan kind). Now, that’s what I was after. A certain level of immortality. And as you’ll see by reading this book, not only will I teach you the basics, but if you pay close attention, maybe take some notes in the margins, I might just show you how to steal an entire town.

And if you’re really, really good, after you’ve scammed them all, you may even end up beloved there.

I’m sure when you were little, there was some asshole adult figure in your life—a guidance counselor, a Big Brother, maybe even a super flirty priest—who told you some bullshit about “keeping your feet on the ground and reaching for the stars.” Or maybe that was Casey Kasem. Either way, it’s all garbage. “Trying your best” and “never giving up on your dreams” will usually lead to living a life well below the poverty line and playing rhythm guitar for a Maroon 5 cover band at Universal CityWalk. The only, and let me repeat that, only way to succeed in this life is to cheat. You don’t believe me? Henry Ford became an industrial success in good part because he sold to both sides during World War II (and yes, one of those sides was the fucking Nazis). Joseph Kennedy basically bought the US presidency for his son by using the immense profits from a very illegal bootlegging operation. And New York billionaire Leona Helmsley was once quoted as saying, “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” (A New York federal court disagreed—and gave her eighteen months in prison, by the way.) And while Leona was an asshole for actually saying it out loud—the witch was right.

You see, I wrote this book not only to prove that anybody can become a con man, but also, and more importantly, that most extremely successful people are con men in their own right. I also wanted to show that the greatest con man in the world (hello, me) could accomplish anything if he put his mind to it. And not by reaching for the stars. Or being all I could be. But by using the library of skills I’m about to lay out for you, in detail, in the following pages. Which means you too can accomplish anything. You can con a whole town. And get rich while doing it. And, if you do it properly…you may even achieve something greater.

Because at the end of the day, this book is about winning at life. About getting everything you ever dreamed of. And oddly enough, it’s a sort of love story, too. About two people you’d never imagine would end up together in the end…ending up together in the end. So now that you know how the

story ends, how’s about we get back to where it begins…

               I stole my first car when I was three. That’s not a typo, folks. Three. Now, while I didn’t pull off the scam entirely by myself, I was certainly a semi-willing accomplice, or at least as willing as you can be, committing grand theft auto while still in pre-K. One of the first lessons to learn is that everything and everyone around you can always be used as potential tools to aid you in a grift. Maybe it’s a Michigan roll (a few dollar bills wrapped around a roll of Xerox paper). Maybe it’s a cackle-bladder (a squib of red dye you bite down on when you fake a slip-and-fall at Home Depot). Or maybe it’s one of the most commonly used tools in 

 the Game: a shill, also known as a capper (a seemingly innocent accomplice that makes people feel more comfortable when dealing with a total stranger—you).

It could be a dog with one leg. It could be an older person with a broken-down walker. Or it could be, as was the case in my first foray into the Game, a toddler.

People are generally trusting. I have no idea why that is. With all the history of cheating and deceiving that has been perpetrated over time, by individuals, religions, and just about every government that has ever existed on Earth, you’d think a healthy skepticism would have been ingrained in us, merely by natural selection. But luckily for guys like me, humankind remains genetically naive—dumb fuckers who may walk on two feet but still think like their ape ancestors. And sometimes all they need is a little push back to their more natural position: bent over on all fours.

Here’s a quick list of quality shills and cappers:

THE ELDERLY

Our country has decided to collectively deem old people useless and a burden on our society. I am here to tell you that notion is some totally ageist bullshit. I’ll agree that they’re super depressing to look at, and tend to repeat the same fond memories of the Korean conflict and institutionalized racism, but they do have a purpose in this world. A worthwhile function. A reason for taking that very dubious first breath every morning. And that purpose is to help you get over on somebody. Even if they’re unaware of it at the time. Especially if they’re unaware. Which is what makes being a confidence man a true art form. Any asshole can storm into a bank and rob the joint with an ironic mask and a half-decent submachine gun. But it takes a true artisan to enter that same bank armed only with an octogenarian in a wheelchair and take the place for triple what the Point Break guys made off with. So make friends with an oldie You’ll find it makes suffering through those long, boring stories about how the Hollywood Jews faked the moon landing well worth it.